The ABCs of Discipline

THE ABCS OF DISCIPLINE

--by Alissa Chung

One of the most frustrating aspects of being a parent is trying to implement good discipline.  Sometimes a child may turn around and repeat the bad behavior the very same day.  Or sometimes the child will react with great indifference to the consequences imposed.  Or will completely tune out the thoughtful parent explanation such that the parent sounds like she is the voice in the “Peanuts” cartoons.  Sometimes these things will happen even when a parent has done everything right.  But sometimes a little tweaking of the discipline technique can make a big difference. 

THE LECTURE

The first tool in the parental arsenal is, for lack of a better word, the lecture. This is the part where we carefully explain to our children what they did wrong and why it was wrong.  For most parents, this part is the most important.  This is where life’s big lessons are learned and morals taught.  The most common mistake in delivering the lecture is making it way too long.  Although we as parents feel that we are speaking the gospel, our children tend to tune out after the first sentence or two.  In fact, the longer the explanation, the more likely the child is to tune out and forget anything that was said.  So, a good rule of thumb is to deliver the message in one short, pithy statement.  There will be a temptation to elaborate, but resist.  Also, repeat this simple message many times to drill it into the child’s head.  Find examples in books, movies, and other people’s behavior to drive it home.  

Sometimes, along with the lecture comes the raised voice.  Tone of voice is a very important parental tool.  Along with the frothy stare, the “I mean business” tone of voice can stop a child in his tracks.  A firm tone with a brief, clear message works to get children to listen.  A mildly raised voice can be effective to convey seriousness, especially if the goal is to stop a child immediately (e.g., from running into the street, hitting a sibling, ripping a book page…).  Different from the raised voice is the yelling one.  We all do it.  And sometimes it is okay to lose one’s temper and show a child that she has really angered you.  But as a discipline tool, yelling is not very effective.  Usually parents are yelling because they are frustrated and angry, not because they are really thinking about good discipline.  When yelling becomes the norm, it loses all effectiveness because a child never really knows when the parent means business versus when the parent is just angry.  It also shows a child an out of control parent.  Teachers who have good control over their classes rarely use yelling.  A firm voice shows a child an adult who is confident and in control, and typically children will instinctively know to listen.

TIME-OUT

After the lecture, the go-to technique of many parents is the time-out.  Many people complain that time-outs are ineffective for their children, but continue to try to use them.  Most people know the rule of thumb that a time-out should be one minute per child’s year of age, and many people have a designated time-out spot in their house (the steps, the “naughty chair”…).  What seems to be missing in the world of time-out is its original intention.  The idea of the time-out is to take a child who is misbehaving away from a highly desirable activity for a limited period of time.  After the time elapses, the child is supposed to say why she was in time out and the desirable way to behave and then she will be allowed to return to the activity.  For example, a child who is playing a game with a sibling and gets frustrated and throws a game piece would go have a time-out for a few minutes, tell the adult that he cannot throw (and should take a break or ask for help if he is frustrated next time), and then can go back to the game.  So, for time-out to be effective, there has to be an activity to be out from and something to return to for time-in.  A child who is walking down the hall and hits her sibling is not really in a position to get a time-out in the classic sense.  What is the time-out from?  Walking?  And what is the time-in to?  Going back down the hall?   The same concept applies to using a time-out when a child has a temper tantrum over not getting ice cream (here a “cool down” version as described in the November article can be effective).  Children know that time-outs are bad and are punishments, so they will get that they are being punished for hitting, but the real power and value of the time-out is lost when it just amounts to sitting on some stairs.  

LOSS OF VALUED ITEMS OR PRIVILEGES

As children progress through preschool and beyond, the loss of valued items or privileges becomes a more effective discipline method.  The most important thing to remember when using this technique is that the thing that the child is losing needs to be more valuable to her than the behavior she wants to enact.  Also, a child needs to be able to control his behavior to make the choice to stop or change it.  Frequently, parents find themselves at a loss when they tell their children to stop throwing toys or lose movie time, only to have the child retort that he doesn’t even care about movies (and then launch the rest of the toys across the room).  The loss of privileges needs to be thought out quickly and carefully before the parent tells the child what will happen.  Often parents make an impulsive decision, only to realize that they will not be able to stick to the threatened punishment (e.g., tell a child that if he continues a certain behavior, he will not be able to go to on the planned family vacation).  It’s never a good idea to gamble that the consequence will work because it is so big or because the child may not know that the trip is already paid for and planned.  It is easy to become the empty threat parent, and then the loss of privileges technique will not work because the child is willing to test to see if the parent will really follow through.

Much like time-out, the loss of a valued item needs to follow a pretty strict protocol to be effective.  The item needs to be very important to the child, but not a lovey or security item.  If the child has used a particular item in an unacceptable way (hit someone with it, used it to make a big mess, refused to share it after promising to do so), that item is an obvious choice.  It should be taken away for a limited period of time (depending on the age of the child).  A week is a very long time to a child, and it will either feel so interminable that the child just gives up and decides the item will never return, or the child may forget about it altogether.  For a preschooler, losing an item for 24 hours is usually a sufficient amount of time.  Returning the item provided that the child did not repeat the behavior is also important.  Sometimes parents take things away for so long that they too forget about the punishment and leave the item in a closet for months.  

Finally, beware of the child who has nothing left to lose.  Sometimes parents can get into a rut with removing toys and privileges.  I have occasionally worked with parents who have told me that they have taken away almost everything important to the child and cannot understand why the misbehavior continues.  Once everything is gone, expect a child who dials up the misbehavior.  With nothing left to lose, misbehaving is all she has left.  If a child does not respond to the first effort to take away a toy or privilege, then move on to another technique.  Chances are the behavior was more compelling to the child than the toy or the privilege.  Or it was one that the child really could not control (because of a normal developmental lack of self-control or sometimes because of anxiety, distress, or special needs).

BEHAVIOR CHARTS

The flip side of removing privileges is the behavior chart.  In this case, there is a target behavior and an incentive or series of incentives.  Parents use these to help motivate children to learn how to use the potty or to stay in their beds at night.  They can also be used to help shape behaviors, such as sharing toys with siblings or friends, cleaning up toys, or using words (instead of hands) to solve problems.  It is important to make it very clear to the child exactly what he has to do to get a positive result on the chart.  A chart can go up to a week and then can be started over the next week, but each week should be a separate, independent event.  If the big incentive is at the end of the week (e.g., earning a toy, a pizza party…), then there should be stickers each day so that the child has a daily sense of accomplishment.  Early success is key in making these charts effective.  The first goal should be one the parent is confident the child can attain.  If a child fails on the first day, she will give up and feel demoralized.  The goals can increase slightly in the degree of challenge each day or each week.  In order to maintain the behavior once it is achieved, it can be helpful to throw in surprise reinforcers (rewards) at unexpected times when the child is doing well.  That way the child knows that the parent is still monitoring and valuing the behavior.

DISCIPLINING IN PUBLIC PLACES

While all of these discipline techniques can be extremely effective, they are all challenging to implement in public.  There is nothing more stressful than trying to discipline one’s child in a public place.  A parent can feel the dozens of judgmental eyes on him or her, and the pressure to look firm but not mean can be excruciating.  It can also be humiliating if one’s efforts fail in front of others, whether the others are friends, family, or strangers.  Public situations are akin to emergency medicine.  As a parent, the goal is to deal with the crisis at hand, and the rest can be addressed with more thorough follow up once the child is home, and both parent and child are in a better place emotionally.  A child who has a huge tantrum in a store or on a play date can be scooped up and taken out immediately when possible.  If there is unfinished business (e.g., apologizing to a friend, cleaning up a mess), it can be done after the child is calm and is ready to accept the consequence.  This might be accomplished by taking a child to a car or for a walk around the block to cool off, or sometimes there can be a follow up phone call or note.  If the tantrum is because the child wants to leave, do not think of it as rewarding the child by leaving.  A consequence for the behavior can and must be implemented at home so that the child knows that is not an acceptable way to behave.  Staying put to show the child that having a fit is not the way to ask to leave makes a point, but also leads to a very stressed out parent and child.  And if the parent has no choice but to remain in public for a short period of time (e.g., a doctor’s waiting room, an errand that must be completed at that time), it is okay to wait until home to implement the consequence.  Let the people go ahead and judge.  It is sometimes the failing of people surrounding a stressed out parent to be supportive rather than judgmental that exacerbates these kinds of incidents in the first place.

FINAL THOUGHTS

With any discipline, remember that it is the big picture that is most important.  Sometimes it takes time for a child to learn these lessons.  If a parent is being as consistent as possible and is focusing on teaching rather than punishing, the child will learn both how to behave and why.  If a child does not seem to be responding over a significant period of time, it might be helpful to sit down with a professional and figure out why.  Are there mixed messages?  A misuse of techniques?  An overreliance on one method?  Or does the child have some challenges that make certain behaviors beyond his control and therefore not really issues of discipline at all?  Remember that testing limits and misbehaving are actually essential parts of development.  And remember that supporting one another as parents who deal with these tests on a daily basis is an essential part of being a member of the parenting club.