Reflections on Inclusion

INCLUDING EVERYONE by Rhonda Cohen

In this article, I’ve compiled a few of the most frequently asked questions about children with special needs. 

Over the years, parents of typically developing children at Cherry have asked a variety of questions regarding the children with special needs who attend our preschool.  Each time I’ve tried my best to answer the question in a way that provided the parents asking the question with the information they were seeking while respecting the privacy of the child with special needs and his/her family.  I suspect that there have been many other parents at Cherry who’ve had questions regarding our Inclusion Program and its students but weren’t quite comfortable enough to ask them.  I hope the answers below will help all of our families understand one another better.

Q:  Who is the child with special needs in my child’s class?

A:  That information is confidential.  The staff cannot share information or discuss a child with anyone other than his/her own parent.  We know that you wouldn’t want us to talk to other parents about your child without your permission.  Having said that, we’re aware that in some cases it’s obvious who the child with special needs is in the class because of an obvious physical difference. In other cases, we suspect that many of our children with special needs have more “invisible” differences that other adults may not notice.  Every parent of a child with special needs is different with respect to how open they are to sharing information about their child with others.  We hope you’ll understand and respect every child and family’s right to privacy.
 

Q:  Can you tell me “Suzie’s” diagnosis so I can tell my child and explain to her why Suzie is different?

A:   While the answer to the previous question also answers this question, the real issue here is how to talk to preschoolers about our differences. First, it’s important to find out exactly what information your child is seeking.  If your child asks about a particular child in class, ask her directly what she’s noticed.  Once you’ve determined that, simple answers are always the best.  For example, if your child has noticed that another child has a hard time doing something (speaking, sharing, walking, etc.) you can simply explain that all of us find some things easy to do and other things more difficult.  You can ask your child what’s easy for him to do and what’s hard.  In my experience, children usually have an answer to this question and if they can’t think of something immediately, the adult is usually able to offer a meaningful suggestion; i.e. “You’re a really fast runner but you still have a hard time putting your face in the water at swimming lessons.”  The important thing here is to point out that we all have things we’re still learning how to do and how great it is that there are other people (teachers, parents, friends, siblings, etc.) who can help us grow and learn.
 

Q:  My child would like to have a play-date with a child with special needs in his class but I’m not sure I’m comfortable or knowledgeable enough to supervise the child without his parent present.  What can I do to ensure the playdate will be a success?

A:  Play-dates can be risky business for all preschoolers…you never know what might happen!  Rest assured that the parent of the child with special needs wants to ensure the playdate will be a success as much as you do and would most likely also be uncomfortable separating from her child on a first play-date.  Many parents of children with special needs report that their child is never invited to play with other children outside of school so given the opportunity, they will do whatever is necessary to maximize their child’s chance to be invited again.  When you extend the invitation, consider inviting both parent and child together and feel free to ask what the best “venue” might be.  “My Billy has been asking if he can have a play-date with Johnny.  We’d love to get together with both of you.  What would you and Johnny enjoy doing?  Coming to our house to play?  Playing at the park?  Going out to lunch?”  By making it a “double-date” invitation and letting the “invitees” select the location and/or activity, chances are a good time will be had by all!
 

Q:  There’s a child in my child’s class who has occasional tantrums in the hallway at school.  I think the child might have special needs and I feel bad watching his mom struggle in the hallway.  How can I help without possibly offending her?

A:  We’ve all found ourselves in this situation (as the stressed-out parent, the uncomfortable witness, or both).  Unfortunately, parents of children with special needs may find themselves on the stressful side of this situation more often than parents of typically developing children.  In an unfamiliar environment, they often report receiving unkind stares and comments indicating their failure to parent appropriately.  Many have said they wish they could hand passersby a card saying “My child has special needs” in order to avoid the judgmental reactions.  The best thing to do when you come across this situation is to be empathetic and offer to help.  Saying something as simple as “My son did the same thing in the grocery store last week.  You’re doing a great job.  Can I do anything to help?” will go a long way to relieve the tension and let the other parent know you’re expressing your solidarity with her rather than judging her or her child.  I’ve seen wonderful parents at Cherry help out in these situations by offering to carry the child’s backpack or the baby sister while the mom deals with the upset child.  These gestures are greatly appreciated.

Q:  It’s obvious who the child with identified special needs is in our classroom.  However, I’ve been observing the behavior of another child in the class, hearing other parents’ observations and I suspect that this child may have undiagnosed special needs.  I don’t think the child’s parents are aware that there may be something seriously wrong.  I’m thinking about calling the parent and sharing my concerns.  Would that be helpful?

A:  This is not the same situation as sitting behind someone on the bus and noticing a “suspicious” mole on the back of the person’s neck and bringing it to his attention out of fear that it could be cancerous and the individual may not be able to see that it’s back there. Doing what you are describing is never a good idea, even if you truly believe that you have the best of intentions at heart. In addition, being an inclusive school community, we would encourage every parent to discourage other parents from talking about someone else’s child.  Think how hurtful it would be if your child was the focus of such conversations.  I honestly believe that no parent wants his child to struggle, fall behind, or behave inappropriately.  I believe that every parent tries their best to do the best job s/he possibly can on behalf of her little loved one!

We can assure you that if you think you’ve observed something concerning a child’s behavior or noticed some “red flags” as you drop off and pick up each day, or if your child has told you something unusual about that child, then our staff has noticed the same things as well.  Our teachers are keen observers who are knowledgeable about child development. In addition, they have an added resource that most preschools do not have – an administrator in addition to the Executive Director with whom they can consult for just this purpose (that’s me!). 

It is not unusual for us (the Cherry staff) to be the first people to bring developmental concerns to a parent’s attention.  Every year, I go through this painful experience with at least one family at Cherry (in reality it’s usually more than just one) and I can assure you that even with lots of observations, documentation, and knowledge of child development as well as lots of professional experience, this is always the hardest part of my job.  Learning that your child may have any kind of developmental challenge is one of the most devastating pieces of news a parent can hear.  Sharing this information must be done in a sensitive, respectful manner after working towards establishing a trusting relationship with the parents so that they can feel safe and supported in processing the information and figuring out what to do next.  I also try to work with the family to help them connect with professionals (school district, agency or private-based services) that would be the best fit for them and their child based on what I know about them.  It is a process (if not a journey) that can take more time than we as professionals would like it to take (we’re always eager for a child to get help as quickly as possible), but it’s a process as unique as each individual child, parent, and issue. Some parents run for help immediately and others need much more time to come to terms with the potentiality of this new frightening reality before taking that first scary step.

If your motivation to call the parent is truly to help the child and family, then the best thing you can do is to do what we often tell our preschoolers…the best way to help a friend is to be a friend.  While you’re “playing” together, take the time to listen and talk (without passing judgment), offer support and encouragement, and acknowledge and celebrate every small victory as your new friend takes each step forward in unfamiliar territory on this journey no parent ever hopes to begin.
 
If you have a question that hasn’t been answered here, please don’t hesitate to contact me and I’ll do my best to answer it.  The most important thing I hope to share with these questions and answers is the same thing our classroom teachers try to teach every day of preschool:  The way we’re all alike is that we’re all different…And wouldn’t the world be boring if we were all the same! 
 
Thank you for doing your part to make our preschool community an inclusive one!